Monday, February 3, 2014

Marriage Monday: The Accepting Wife {Link up}

Welcome back to Marriage Monday!  I'm so glad you've joined me as we focus on strengthening and promoting godly marriages, both in our nation and in our own backyards!

I started off the year sharing some thoughts on being an Abiding Wife. Then, last week I wrote about the importance of being a Respectful Wife.  I plan to continue exploring different aspects of being a godly wife in the weeks ahead.

Today I want to talk about the Accepting Wife.

Photo by my daughter, Ashlyn

One of the most life-changing, freeing things we can do for our marriages is to just accept our husbands for who they are and quit trying to change them! This one shift in thinking will take a burden off both the husband and the wife!  You will no longer be trying to figure out how you can change him, and you won't be weighed down with the burden of having to "fix" your husband and make him be more like you. On the other hand, he will no longer be living under the weight of your disapproval and condemnation.  You will both be so much freer and happier!

God designed marriage to be between a man and a woman.  He also created men and women to be different in a variety of ways, beyond the obvious physical differences.  These differences complement each other, but at times, they can also be annoying!  It is so important that we recognize that our husbands are men, first of all, which means they are likely to approach things in a totally different manner than we would.  They are also individuals, uniquely designed with their own tastes, preferences, habits, idiosyncrasies, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses.  It was probably some of those unique characteristics that first attracted us to our husbands.  But, somewhere along the line, they can begin to annoy us and we set out to change our husbands' habits, preferences, beliefs, and unique ways of doing things.  This is almost always a recipe for disaster!!

When we try to change our husbands, we rarely succeed, and even if we do, they end up resenting us for it.  Either way, our desire to change our husbands to fit our mold leaves our husbands feeling rejected, unrespected and unloved. 

If your husband is cold and excessively critical of you, choosing to spend more and more time away from home, and becoming more withdrawn and silent, rarely confiding in you, it is likely that he is reacting (whether consciously or subconsciously) to your attempts to change him and is withdrawing from you. This is a wake-up call! 

Attempting to change our husbands to fit our own little molds of what is acceptable behavior just pushes them away from us!

The secret to a happy marriage is to accept our husbands exactly the way they are and to tell them so!  This means accepting their habits, their preferences, their tastebuds, their looks, their body builds, their dreams, their beliefs, their intelligence, their abilities or lack thereof, their assets and their flaws.  It means accepting them just the way they are, warts and all!  It means putting on our "rose-colored glasses" and focusing on their admirable traits, and letting their less than stellar qualities be blurred in the background.

If there are real issues of concern, we can certainly pray about them, asking God to change our husbands if He sees a need.  (God has a much better track record than we do!)  Sometimes God has a plan for our husbands' faults -- it's called our sanctification!  In other words, his habits may grate on our nerves like sandpaper, but when sandpaper is applied to wood, it removes the rough spots and makes it silky smooth!  

Certainly, there are times to sit down and approach our husbands respectfully about things they may be doing that hurt us or offend us or make our lives more difficult.  If we are generally respectful and accepting of our guys, it is likely they will try to change in those areas to please us.  Or perhaps not.  ;) Either way, we need to accept them as they are, praying for grace where needed!

Disclaimer:  I do want to mention what to me is obvious -- this does not include accepting unfaithfulness or abuse.  In such cases, wives need to stand firm on God's Word, seek help from trusted friends or godly mentors, or even contact the appropriate authorities.

Your Turn to Share:

Are you a reformed husband changer?  :)  I'd love to hear how you've learned to just accept your husband for who he is and quit trying to change him. Please leave a comment here on my blog or over on my Facebook page, so we might all be encouraged! You may also email me at if you wish to share a private testimony.

If you were blessed or encouraged by this post, please consider sharing it with your friends on Facebook or other social media sites.  Thank you!

Link up:

I'd love to have you link up your blog to mine!  Please link up any past or present posts related to Christian marriage.  Don't forget to link back to my blog!  Thanks!

marriage mondays

Blogs I link up with from week to week:

What Joy Is MinePhotobucket


a-wise-woman-builds-her-home   I Choose Joy!     

   Wifey Wednesday button Wholehearted Wednesday

 A Little R & R   Messy Marriage

Proverbs 31 Link Up       

Please link up your blog post on marriage below by entering the url of your specific post. Where it says "Your Name" enter the title of your blog post, not your personal name! Thanks! :)


Lisha said...

This post! ouch! Just the kick in the pants I needed today. I am not yet a reformed husband-changer, but I've been working toward it. Thank you for the encouragement :)

busymomof10 said...

Thanks for stopping by Lisha! I appreciate your honesty! :) It's a tough battle for us women to quit trying to change our poor husbands! :)

Katherine Swing said...

I've decided that some battles are do more harm than good to fight. And that dirty dishes are just going to have to be put into the dishwasher by me. :-P

Chris said...

Awesome post, Elizabeth!!
What great inspiration! Love stopping over here....I shared a link to my rev or a wonderful new e book plus a giveaway. I hope it's ok that I shared the giveaway at your party.

Be well and God bless!

Beth said...

Spoken like a woman with many years of marital wisdom under her belt, Elizabeth! And I love this line, "Sometimes God has a plan for our husbands' faults -- it's called our sanctification!" So true and helps keep all of us "unrealistic expectation gals" in line! Thanks for sharing your wisdom, my friend! Love it!

busymomof10 said...

That's fine Chris! Thanks for stopping by and leaving words of encouragement! :)

busymomof10 said...

I appreciate your encouraging comment so much!! Thank you for stopping by and leaving a blessing behind! :)

Josh said...

Most of my husband's habits/looks/quirks don't bother me too much. And I try not to harp on them too much either. But, there are some things that he needs to work on.... But, I totally don't know what to say to get him to want to make the changes for himself... I will just keep praying.

emilysestuary said...

Thank you for humbling me.
I think I'm a great wife, but this is something I really needed to hear.

Joe Pote said...

Good post, Elizabeth!

Yes, learning to accept and appreciate our spouse for who they are makes a world of difference in our relationship and our peace of mind.

Thank you for sharing your wisdom.

Naomi said...

Elizabeth...what a thought provoking post. Accepting our spouses they way they are reminds me of how I am loved the way I am by a merciful God. Aren't we supposed to love the way Jesus loved? That would mean accepting our spouses as they are, praying over them and leaving the changes to God. Thank you for sharing at WJIM's Monday's Musings. Have a blessed week friend.

Bonnie Way said...

I have seen this in marriages and I totally agree! It's hard to be around couples who are complaining about each other or clearly don't accept each other... it's a lot of fun to see couples who disagree and yet do so happily, accepting that they have different tastes/ideas and it's okay. Thanks for sharing!

Jacqueline said...

Elizabeth, what a powerful post! Thank you!
I have had to become accepting of our husbands quirks and foibles, as I'm sure we all have. The key is learning to be gracious and in our hearts accept our mate, flaws and all. I am more willing to see my own flaws and warts and 'planks' (vs. the speck), so I can extend more grace...this was once again timely for me as we always can use a reminder!
Great job!
In response to your sweet comments on the blog: I don't have time right now to read blogs, per se, but want to share with you that I always try to return back a comment. I want to go deeper, not wider, and that signals where I will visit that day. Hugs!

WholeHearted Home Judith Kowles said...

Elisabeth, I am so thankful that I stopped by. I am always refreshed and encouraged by your posts whether they are about marriage or the ones about your front porch (I hope I have the right name). My marriage has gotten better and better with time. Sure my husband has done his part to change but to be honest, he did not change until "I" changed. Once my pastor told me how influential wives were. At the time I did not understand. Now I do...since the influence actually comes as we mature and grow in the Lord and realize where we are going wrong in our marriage and end up drawing our husband to want to be with me/us and love the way God intended.

I am so sorry to have neglected stopping by. Between grandtwins living with us most of last year and the last couple weeks having drowned my hard drive in tea (sadness), I have just not kept up with the visiting and fellowshipping part of blogging. You are the kind of woman who I would just love to sit down with and chat with for awhile.

Thanks for stopping by and linking up. I am trying to link up myself this week. We'll see how it goes as this computer doesn't like linkups and has no battery power. Kid you not.

busymomof10 said...

Thank you for your sweet comment! It was really an encouragement to me! I Totally understand about Life getting in the way of visiting the blogs we'd like and I'd love to sit down and talk to you one day too! Maybe one day . . . one this side of eternity or the other! :)

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